Telling Someone To Fuck Off Without Them Realizing It

fuck offI have been told I have a gift.  An ability to do something glorious.  And most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  In my everyday life, I’m a chipper and smiley, lighthearted individual and it translates into the words that come out of my mouth.  Even when those words aren’t the most pleasant.  I, Caitlin Maharg, can tell someone to pretty much fuck off without them even realizing it!  And it is fucking awesome!

I’m not sure if this is a natural gift one has to naturally have or if it can be learned.  However, I would like to enlighten you with some insights that may help you to tell someone to fuck off, without the nasty repercussions that often ensue from the individual being told to fuck off!

The benefits of doing this is that you won’t feel angry or like you did anything wrong after it’s over and complete.  This is important to me.  I can tell someone I love to fuck off.  I know they love me too and I always will admit my faults and apologize and reconcile with them fairly quickly.  That’s just the way I am.  I often times though feel a sense of guilt after I stand up for myself with strangers, acquaintances, and friends.  This is an insecurity of mine that I’m working on.  And looking back on this topic, I realize I don’t even know if this is a true observation because I’ve never told a stranger to fuck off directly.  Someday I’d like to tell a stranger to fuck off.  That’s a future goal of mine.  Until then, I like to indirectly tell them.

Even when you indirectly tell someone to fuck off, trust me they will get the idea, and in my opinion it will hurt them even more.  When you indirectly tell someone to fuck off they will walk away perhaps even smiling at the interaction you just had with them.  However, within a couple minutes of walking away they will feel a slight pain in their chest and with that the realization “Oh my god!  Did she just tell me to fuck off?  She was smiling and so happy though?”  Did she?!  No, she wouldn’t do that.”  Well, yes I would!  I got you!

This is a gift I became aware of with my friends and co-workers.  Co-workers told me that when I wasn’t working that’s when everything would go wrong.  Customers would get angry and back talk to them but when I was there everyone was happy and everything was in order.  I could tell a customer to pretty much get the hell out of my way or to do something and they would do it.  However, if one of my co-workers said the exact same thing, the customer would lash out and speak their mind.  Then a manager would have to get involved and a bunch of unnecessary bullshit would go down.  My friend Tiffany told me the same thing.  And now I wonder if I’ve done that to her.  Sorry chica if I did.  Didn’t mean any harm.  Love you!

Even as a child my mom said I was the same way.  I was a quiet and shy little girl.  But my mom said I had what she called, stormy eyes.  A grown man could talk to me and I could just look at him and make him feel like a complete idiot and make him walking away squirming that a tiny little girl just made him feel so insecure.

Like I said earlier, people view me as such a positive, happy person that they never expect me to sass them in anyway.  So that’s the first advice I give you.  Be genuine and be caring and be positive.  Then when you get angry they will take you seriously because they will think that if you are giving sass it must be justified because you normally don’t give sass.

Also, when the moment comes to directly tell someone to fuck off, try not to say the words “Fuck Off.”  And no matter what you say, say it will confidence and most importantly say it will a smile or a smirk on your face!  I find chuckling and or even outwardly laughing helps.  When you chuckle and tell someone to fuck off it completely throws them off.  They think you are joking but at the same time they will do what you tell them to do!  They will walk away with a smile but trust me when they realize someone just told them to fuck off and they didn’t realize it in that moment, they will feel like shit!  It worked!

With many things in my life, I just don’t get too bothered.  I mostly look at the world in a positive light.  Some call me naive but I know that it’s not true.  I’m just pure hearted.  Look at the world in a positive manner.  I had a friend in college who told me how some people will drive around looking for a parking space and if it’s faraway they will bitch and moan about this mundane thing.  Other people will find one far away and it won’t bug them, they will just be happy that they found a place to park.  Also, I remember reading something which I believe was in Tony Robbins, “Awaken the Giant Within.”  Never did quite finish that book, but anyway he mentioned how these twins had a father who did drugs and committed crimes and spent most of his life in jail.  One of the twins followed in his father footsteps and spent his life incarcerated.  When asked why, he blamed his father and said that it was his childhood that made him this way.  The other twin became a successful man with a happy life.  When asked why, he also blamed his father for it but in a different way.   He said after seeing his father fail in life, he couldn’t help but want a better life for himself.

I’m pretty much saying, it’s all how you look at things.  So don’t let minor things bug you and try not to go around getting upset about stupid things and telling someone to screw off.  But if someone does annoy the shit out of you, now you know a little trick I use to get rid of them and to smile about your life choices afterwords.

 

Instagram for My Booty: A Story About My Ass

My favorite body part is my booty.  I would say I noticed I had some junk when I was about 11 years old.  I was doing cheerleading and my coach wanted the team to take gymnastics for a few months to work on our acrobatic skills.  My friend’s mom, Mary, was driving me home and she told she thought it was so cute to watch me run to do a roundoff (never did get that back handspring) because my butt would bounce up and down as I ran.

Then the following year I went to both cheerleading and baskbetball camp over the Summer and lost a good chunk of weight.  When my Nana saw me, she said “oh my goodness you lost weight, I can tell because your butt isn’t as big as it usually is.”  Then in middle school I became friends with a girl who consistently commented on my derriere and her jealousy of it.

As I got older even my brother told me that I need one of those trucks that say “Oversize Load” in front of me and behind me to warn people about what was coming.  These are just a few of the clues that gave me a hunch that my backside is bigger than most.

It took me quite a while to own my junk in the trunk.  For a while it made me feel self conscious, especially when guys started to comment on it.  I felt vulnerable knowing that their gaze was landing behind me without me being aware.  But I eventually got over that.

I didn’t know how much my butt meant to me until I lost it.  Earlier this year I did a weight loss program for a commercial for a weight loss product.  For 4 months I counted calories and exercised, along with taking the weight loss supplement.  I went from 146 lbs to 115 lbs.  I was fucking exhausted by the end of it.  I was sick of counting calories and worrying about my weight everyday.  I was ready to return to a diet that didn’t cause me to be neurotic!  Not only that, but I realized something very important.  I missed my ass!

I was in the best shape of my life.  My arms had defined muscles.  You could see a tiny six pack forming on my abs.  I went from a size 8-10 to a size 0-2.  But along with that my ass went from being exceptional to being normal and my boobs, oh my boobs were sad to look at.  I went from a 32 C to having what looked like 2 deflated balloons dangling from my chest.

I had a cute face still but no longer did I walk down the street and get comments about my booty.  I missed those comments.  I’d look at my backside and I felt like I lost my best friend that stood by me day by day.  I had to get it back!  And so..I ate!

In due time I regained the friend I missed so much.  And then I did something.  I decided I would create an Instagram for my booty.  And no I will not provide anyone with the Instagram name.  This is purely as an experiment.  And maybe also I kinda sorta want the attention.  I’ve been using hashtags such as, #whitegirlbooty #thickthighs #hottdamn #thatassthou #bubblebutt, etc.  I’m actually having a lot of fun with it and it’s proving to be quite a fun project figuring out new angles that create the most flattering version of my booty.

And seriously no I will not give you the Instagram name.  I showed a friend one picture of my booty and as I’m writing this very post he sent me a dick pick.  No lie.  Maybe this could be part of the experiment?!  How many dick pics can I collect?!

Nahhh…

Microsoft Windows V. Your Bedroom Window

Microsoft-WindowsI am a child of the 90s and I remember I heard the name Bill Gates thrown around quite a lot back then.   He was the creator of Windows.  Which at the time I had no idea what  that meant.  I thought Bill Gates created the window.  It baffled my mind that people lived without windows before Bill Gates.  How did people cope?  I swore that I’ve seen old places with windows before.  I found my 8 year old brain trying to wrap my head around it.

Well one day my parents were in search of buying new windows for the house.  A man came over with a pop up stand of the windows he was trying to sell us.  I thought this man worked for Bill Gates, because he is the creator of the window, and my eight year old brain was jealous.  I knew he was one of the wealthiest people in the world and I didn’t want my family to give him anymore money.  Share the wealth, I thought.  So I decided to be a little shithead.

The window salesman plugged in an iron and held it to the window to show us that heat didn’t pass through the window. My parents checked it out and then I put my hand against the window.  I didn’t feel the heat but that’s not what I told him.  I told him, “I can feel the heat.”  He said, “Really?  You can?.”  I said, “Yes” and walked away like the shithead I was.

After the guy left, I mentioned to my family that Bill Gates has enough money already and if we could buy from someone else.  My parents were confused at first and then they broke the news to me that Bill Gates didn’t create the window, those have been around for hundreds of years!  He created Microsoft Windows which has to do with computers.  Ohhhh!!  That makes sense.  Got it!

Pineapple Upside Down Cake: When A Trip To The Dentist Takes a Dark Turn

545419_976645507799_1615188390_nDental hygiene is important for your health.  I’m not sure the reason why my parents didn’t take my brother and I to the dentist for so long.  I don’t fault them but when I was 21 years old, which is 15 years after my last dentist visit, I was itching to get to the dentist!

I had a tooth that was withering away for years and it was a nuisance of my everyday life.  Every now and then I’d take a bite of something and part of that tooth would come along with it. Swollen painful gums . I wanted the tooth out!  I don’t believe too many people have the joy of going to the dentist as I did that day for my appointment.

I go to the dentist not knowing what to expect.  The only thing I remembered about my last trip to the dentist was when I was six.  I remembered pink bubble gum flavored tooth cleaning stuff.  Which I had always looked forward to experiencing again in my life. Tasty.

I sat in the dentists chair.  I opened my mouth.  This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!  I’m nervous over proper dentist ettiquete.  Will my tongue get in the way?  I become very aware of the saliva my mouth is producing that he slurps up every now and then.  And I get considered that my breath may stink.  At one point my jaw cracked and made the dentist jump.  That was just my TMJ at work.  If you don’t know what TMJ means, well for me in means my jaw cracks a lot without my control.  Surgery for that is expensive so I often times have hopes that maybe someone could punch me in the jaw and it would pop my jaw back into normalcy.

The dentist does his thing and he fills in some cavities.  He tells me he did all he can do in one day that my insurance will allow and I have to schedule another appointment to get an x-ray of my tooth.  What?!  The moment I had been waiting for for years and he can’t do it today?!  My naive mind conjured up that everything could be done all at once today!  I was beyond upset.

I went to the receptionist to schedule the x-ray.  She was very nice.  She knew my dad from his dental appointments and she told me how my dad was such a nice man.  I began to wimper at the desk.  I told her that I hadn’t been to the dentist in 15 years and for years I’ve had a rotten tooth.  I’ve been longing to go to the dentist to rid myself of bone and swollen gums .  I just wanted it to go away!  In the mist of my hysteria, I hit a soft spot with the receptionist.  She began to stand up and she said to me, “Honey we will get you that x-ray today!”  She took me in the back and did it herself.  I felt embarrassed by my actions.  I just cried to a lady I don’t know and it was about how I’ve been longing to remove a tooth.  I cried over it!!  I mean hell it worked in my favor but still.

The next time I went to the dentist, it was to rid me of that nasty tooth.  Once it was all over, I was delighted but I couldn’t express it because my entire mouth was numb.  Shortly after my dental transformation, my mom, brother, and I went to Cracker Barrel.  If you don’t know Cracker Barrel you’re missing out!  Affordable down home southern  cookin’ for all pallets.  Plus my mom works there so we get a major discount.  I’m very passionate about my love for this chain restaurant.  They have biscuits and corn bread.  And before I became a vegetarian, I loved their chicken and dumplings and their Reuben sandwich.  Delicious.  And one more thing I love there, is their seasonal pineapple upside down cake!

After dinner I placed my order for the pineapple upside down cake.  I had been craving it for a while and I had gone to another Cracker Barrel and they were all out.  So when this Cracker barrel was out too, I was well, pissed!  It wasn’t a rational pissed.  It was caused by my inability to smile because by my trip to the dentist!

Smiling is a part of my identity and I learned then that if I can’t smile it changes my inner being.  When the waitress told me they were out of my divine pineapple upside down cake I made a small but nonetheless embarrassing scene. I asked the waitress in true frustration why they were all out and how come Cracker Barrels don’t supply enough desserts to last throughout the day. When the waitress walked away, my mother couldn’t believe the way I talked to that woman.  It was unlike me, not to mention it was her coworker.  I broke down and wined, “I’m sorry it’s ’cause I can’t smile.  I’m moody.  I want really wanted pineapple upside down cake.”

I never did get it.

I gave up.

29th Birthday: I’m Far From Old

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I’m excited about this upcoming year.  Every year I say I gotta good feeling, but this year something is different.  If 28 taught me anything, it’s that I can overcome a shit load of emotional opstacles when I’m 29 and in the future.  I have little fear any more.  I may have moments of insanity in the process but it’s only temporary.  So no sweat!

I like getting older.   So many people I meet complain about aging another year.   Most of the people I meet are in their 20s and hearing them complaining about getting older causes an eye roll from me.  I don’t get it.  You aren’t old.  It’s a very common phrase from people.  I guess I don’t know why age is so sensitive.  Or maybe I just haven’t felt its affects yet.

Every year I get more confident in myself.  That’s essentially why I like getting older.  I’m accepting the compliments from people.  I know what to say at the right moment.  I know how to get away with things.  Overall, I’m enjoying the company of myself more than ever.  I’m loving my body.  I’ve gained a good chunk of weight recently but I’m not sweating it.  I know how to get in shape because I’ve done it in the past and I’m confident I can do it again.  I just have to get in the right mindset which will come.  It’s quite lovely!

I had an emotional yet important 29th Birthday on November 4th.  I went hiking and later called my ex.  I roll differently then most people if you can’t tell.

The hike was fun!  I went with a bunch of women.  Which is an accomplishment for me.  I have a habit of only hanging out with guys.

And I gave in to calling my ex on my birthday.  It should be the other way around right? Like I said, I roll differently.

We broke up in July.  For two months we did that song and dance where you keep in contact and nobody truly moves on.  After two months of that, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Then in early September I told him I couldn’t remain in contact with him and we said our goodbyes.  In the back of my mind I kinda held onto the possibility he’d call me on my birthday.  Then when 7pm came on my b-day and I still heard nothing from him I was upset and lost inhibition and decided to call him myself.  After two months of holding onto a possibility and to not have it happen. I wanted to find a cure for this disappointment. And I don’t listen to any of the advice from dating books so I gave him a call.

All I want to say is that I’m happy I did.  I needed that.  Everything in my life is very passionate for me.  Especially with people I love because I don’t love carelessly.  I not the type to when it’s all over to end communication forever. Unless you really fucked up.

I did cry and I did get emotional.  With that said, I also felt a release of some built of energy I had acquired and when part of it was gone, I felt a huge sense of relief.

After toying with the idea of going out drinking with people.  I decided to head home because, from past experiences, drinks and emotion aren’t a good combo for me.  I picked up snacks and turned on Amazon Prime and cozied up in my bed.  And I felt okay with that.  There will be other birthdays and many other emotions in the future.  Don’t need to feel everything in one night.

 

Al Pacino and the Garden Gnome

scarface_gnome_2__53349.1403281203When I moved to New York City 6 years ago I, like many others, was curious to see a famous person of some kind.  My first jobs were working at Macy’s in Herald Square and Ruby Tuesday in Times Square.  I’m an idiot for working in these tourist traps but it’s all I knew of when I moved to this grand old city.

I was working at Ruby Tuesday as a hostess and we were about the go on a wait.  Out of the corner of my eye, I see four people, a man, a woman, and two young children, run into the restaurant and sit at a dirty table behind me.  I turn to them and tell them they just can’t run in here and sit at a table without checking in.  The tables dirty we need to clean it so if they could please get up and we’ll clean it for you.  The woman told me that they were about to see a show and we just wanted ice cream for the kids.  She asked to speak to a manager.

I was baffled.  Why get a manager involved?  It wasn’t that serious.  I said we just need to get someone to clear the table and wipe it down.  She insisted on seeing a manager.    I paged my manager saying, “There’s a family that wants to speak to you.  They ran in here and sat at a dirty table.  I told them we need to clean the table and now they insist on speaking to a manager.  I don’t know what their deal is.”

As I’m waiting for my manager to talk to this table, me and the man in the family are having a staring contest.  I was giving him the hairy eyeball.  “You just had to be a pain in the ass didn’t you?” I thought.

My manager approached the table and then I see her smiling and picking the dirty plates off the table asking them what they would want.  Say what?!  She let them win!  Meanwhile the man and I continually make eye contact in a displeasing manner.

My manager gets them the coffee and the ice cream they so desired and then she comes up to me.  She says, “So I’m telling everyone how you almost kicked out Al Pacino.”  I looked at the man, holy crap that is definitely Al Pacino.  Here is my defense.  First of all, I had never seen a famous person in my life so the actuality of their being one at a Ruby Tuesday didn’t cross my mind.  Secondly, Al Pacino looks like a garden gnome.  My Nana loves Al Pacino and everything The Godfather but she always said Al Pacino reminded her of a garden gnome.  Which I totally see!

I’ve been holding onto this story for when I become a known name and am on a late night television program.

But at the same time, I felt super badass.  I sassed Al Pacino for godsake!  Shit you wouldn’t want to cross me in a dark alley.

The Cat Thief: How My Love of Animals Makes Me Do Crazy Things

I love animals.  Some people go crazy when they see babies.  Not me, but I do go completely insane for dogs or any animal for that matter.  Whenever I see a dog I either make a generic comment from afar like “Look at that dog!” or “So cute!” or I lose complete control of myself and run up and hug it while saying some variation of goo goo ga ga to the pup.  I can’t help myself.  Dogs are magnificent animals full of joy and peace and love.

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My Memorial Tattoo

I have one tattoo and it’s a tattoo of a dog and a cat on my ribs.  It was inspired by the death of my dog Bogie who got loose while my mom’s boyfriend was taking him out at night.  I took a bus from NYC to Pennsylvania and posted flyers for three days straight.   We got a few calls from people trying to help but none of the dogs were Bogie.  But eventually we got a call from an Amish woman saying she knew what happened to him.  He got hit by a car tragically and died.  I never cried so much in my life.  I felt like I had to do something so he would know that I loved him and would never forget about him.  So I got a tattoo two days later on my birthday.  I felt like my family failed him in our duty to protect him.  He was special.  A 90 lb black lab, with a happy go lucky demeanor.  He loved every person and every animal.  A 5 lb chihuahua could walk up to Bogie and he would plop on the ground and be entirely submissive.

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My Pops’ kitten, Buddy.

A couple years ago I went to Pennsylvania to specifically get my Pops a cat because ever since my Nana died I worried he was lonely.  And he always said, “I’m not going off looking for a cat.  But if someone has one they are getting rid of I’ll take it.”  Well when I got to my mom’s place, my brother says to my mom, “Well, where is it?  Where’s the kitten?”  My mom looks under the couch and grabs this ginger kitten.  This kitten randomly just showed up on my mom’s doorstep a couple nights before.  It was perfect.  It was sign!  My grandpa had a new friend.  What was so cute about it, is that Bogie was completely infatuated with this kitten.  He just wanted to be around her.  He was an iconic gentle giant.  By the way,  we were hoping this ginger cat, whom my Pops named Buddy, would grow up to be an affectionate lap cat.   She ended up growing up to be a moody bitch but my Pops still loves her.

Bogie also saved my Dad’s life.  My dad had severe depression.  I felt like I lost the father I grew up with but knew he was in there somewhere.  My parents divorced which was an extremely difficult period for both of them.  Bogie, along with our dog Cooper, definitely saved my dad.  My dad said he would feel completely worthless and useless in life and then he would look at Bogie and it’s like Bogie was saying, “It’s okay Dad.  It’s okay.”  Bogie protected my father and helped heal him and we failed to protect him.  I just had to get the tattoo as a memorial for him and all the animals I’ve lost.

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‘Little’ Layne

In early February of this year my ex had injured the shit out of his knee playing soccer.  He stayed at my place so I could help him get around.  His birthday was February 15th and his knee was still not better so as a surprise I decided to pick up his family dog, Layne, from his mom’s place.  He loved it!  Layne was going to stay one night because my place doesn’t allow pets but we decided to have him over one more night.  Well that night was sleepless.  We noticed Layne seemed uncomfortable and he wasn’t peeing or pooping but we tried to be optimistic. We went to bed and hoped he’d be better in the morning.  I could feel that Layne was restless on the bed.  I take out my earplugs and take off my eyemask and look at my ex.   He was hysterically crying while holding Layne, saying that he loved him and wasn’t ready for him to die.  It was heart-wrenching.  After a trip to the emergency room at 3am and another trip to the vet at 8am, we found out Layne had stones in his bladder and if they weren’t removed soon his bladder would explode.  This was all too familiar because I had a cat named Sundance who died of this same thing.  Sundance was a beautiful pure white, fluffy cat with piercing blue eyes.  He was the most beautiful cat I’d ever seen.  By the time he was in surgery it was too late and he passed.  I couldn’t let the same thing happen to Layne and I knew my ex’s family couldn’t afford surgery.  I put $5000 on a credit card to save him.  I’m cheap as fuck but when it comes to an animal I don’t give a shit if I’m in debt.  I can live with debt but I can’t live comfortably knowing I could have saved an animal but decided not to.  Nope can’t do it.  Please don’t come running to me with vet bills though.  I’m poor.

This next story isn’t my finest and it happened a couple years before everything I just told you so I was younger and more naive in life.  I used to live in Harlem.  I had two roommates.  One was a brolic, ex military, middle-aged black man named TC who was awesome.  And the other guy was Andrew, who I saw 3 times in my year of living there.  Andrew had a cat named, Monkey.  Monkey was an angel.  TC was left to care for the cat though because the owner was never there.  I grew attached to her.  She was loving and affectionate and playful and sometimes would do this thing were she delivers a mouse to my bedroom and scares the shit out of me.  I enjoyed her company.

Well anyway, besides Andrew not taking care of Monkey he was also not paying rent either and we were evicted.  I was subletting so it didn’t hit me too hard.  Well Andrew didn’t even know that we were evicted because he wasn’t there so I took his cat.  My brother picked it up and gave it to my Nana and Pops in Lancaster, PA.  My Nana loved that cat…in the week she had it.  This is where it gets troubling.

After a week, Andrew calls me and asked where his cat is.  I told him, I took her because he didn’t seem to care about her.  Mind you while this is happening,  I’m scared shitless.  Stuff like this doesn’t happen to me.  I don’t cause trouble.  Help me!

He said I had to give him his cat by 12 noon tomorrow or he was going to get the cops involved.  I called my brother and begged him to pick up Monkey from my Nana and Pops and then drive all the way to NYC so I can give this guy back his cat.  Oh gosh, that was not my finest moment.  The worst part was my Nana.  She fell in love with Monkey and she said to me, “Hopefully in a couple years the thought of her won’t hurt so bad.”  Oh god Nana, rip out my heart why don’t you.

I returned Monkey to Andrew who I do believe really loves Monkey.  So that’s good.  And ever since then I was coined as The Cat Thief for causing such a commotion in peoples live’s for that week.  All for a cat.

Like I said, I love animals.